Anxiety reaches up inside, growing every day. Creeping up as you try desperately to swallow it back down.
Layering the hot choking tears with as much positive hope as you can muster. yet still it lurks deep in your stomach. Fear.
What does it say, this voice that we try to silence
It’s frightened. It’s a part of you that desperately wants to know the future. To somehow be told it’s ok this all works out in the end.
We can’t bear to face these questions, these doubts. They are way too scary.
Ultimately they are words. They are worries. They want space, acknowledgement and reassurance. This part of you is cautious. It wants you to be ok. It doesn’t understand that you can’t just stop. That it is too hard to go on, but too hard not to. If it had its way it would probably just say – this trying to conceive business is upsetting you. Let’s just stop trying, then you won’t be upset anymore. See? Not terribly emotionally intelligent, the subconscious.
I am going to suggest the unthinkable and ask you to create time to be wholly in this fear. Today let’s just face that voice and sit with it. Let’s feel it calm and shrink as we take action with it.
We all know what the voice says – “what the hell are we going to do if this never works?”
Your body feels physically sick, you can barely see straight. It’s too strong, too much.
Sit with this part of you. Talk to it.
“I know you’re scared. Of course you’re scared. Of course all we want is to have this baby. To get pregnant. I know you want to protect me from getting hurt, but we have to try. We have to try with everything we have.”
Ok, so what if it doesn’t ever work? Let’s have this conversation.
I refuse to sit in all this fear. Let’s have this out once and for all. Yes it is the hardest thing I could ever imagine. I can’t in fact imagine it, I can only feel the fear, the potential bitterness, the regret, the aching in my heart.
If it doesn’t ever work then yes. It will be devastating. I will be on the floor. I will be stuck in a hole. There I have said it.
If we come to the end of this road, it will be human nature to heal. It will be natural to find a new path. Maybe it’s adoption, maybe it’s moving, going on a trip, changing the course of your life. You know what, we will find a way through it. For now, the energy needs to be focused on the now. All we all have in the world is now. Right now we are still in the midst of trying to make this dream happen so that’s where the energy needs to be.
A wonderful gynaecologist once told me – 95% of women can be made pregnant. Maybe you have all your mechanics you need there already, maybe you need a donor egg or drugs to help your body. Maybe you will need IVF, maybe you will need 4 cycles of IVF, maybe it will happen completely naturally – just way after you had ever expected. For those of us on this road, there are many many paths to pregnancy. Every path differs slightly. If you are still committed to making this happen, if your heart is not ready to give up then this is what you say to yourself:
I surrender these fears. I know as my heart and body you want to protect me but the greatest cure for this ache is to get pregnant and I am going to give it all I have. I choose to let go of these worries for now. If I get to a point I need to look at these worries again then I know they will be there, and I will have to get support, take time and grieve. I don’t know how that could be so I can’t plan. Nothing I do now will soften any blows. I can only do this one way and that is head on. Some days I will feel good. Some days I may even feel excited. Some days I will feel low and awful. On those days I will just let them be. I will allow them to exist. I will surrender to them and rest until they naturally pass.
On this path it is natural to be on that roller coaster. I have no choice but to be on it though so I choose to accept it. I choose to find things that nurture and nourish me and my body. I choose to accept help to get pregnant. I choose to surround myself only with those who love and understand. I choose to love myself and look after my needs. I choose to pray for this baby to come. I choose to do anything and everything that will get me in the right place for this to happen.
There’s a chance my time will come. There is a good chance that with all this effort, with all these tries the odds will go in my favour.
Take each day as it comes. You can’t know how you will feel with each eventuality so just take them as they come. You may not be able to plan how long to try for, how many attempts is enough. Just feel how you feel when you are there. No pressure, just the easiest possible path in a tough, crippling situation.
Ask yourself – what do I need? Does my body need something? Nourishing food, gentle exercise, supplements, massage, holistic care and treatments, rest? Does my womb feel a part of me? Do I need to make friends with it again? Work with it, become it? Does my heart need healing? My past? My present? Do I need more information, medical help? Do I need to add in something new? Do I need space to feel angry?
If you do. Take it. Be it. Allow it. Release it.
Go to a healing comforting place, immerse yourself in nature, cry tears in the rain, bask in the sun, lie in the grass. Go to the health food shop, buy herbs, tinctures, teas, remedies that nurture and soothe you. Close the shutters, retreat until you have gathered strength to emerge. Take time to breathe. Deep inside yourself. Calm, loving breaths that cry out to your soul to be soothed.
Reach out for what you need, try something totally new if you need to, for example:
Herbal Plant Medicine
Just reach out if you need extra support at this time. Your fears are warranted they are just your protective self. You have the power to reassure those fears, they are part of you and you have the power to tell them that you have listened, you have noted and you have decided to go ahead as planned so they need to just calm down and take a back seat as their input right now is no longer helpful.
Please give yourself time and nurture. This is a hard time. A very hard time.
Most of the time everyone gets there. Those that don’t may have been destined to receive an adopted child, or maybe they just haven’t done everything they could as the fear was too great. I have certainly known people who have a barrier up. Understandably I know, but it’s as though they have already decided it won’t work anyway and adding extra things to try and make it work will only add to the disappointment as it gets your hopes up more for when it doesn’t work (which they have kind of already decided).
Ok I get that. I totally get that. Here’s the thing though. Either way, whether you have ‘protected’ yourself or thrown everything at it, it’s going to be dreadful if it doesn’t work out. But, if there was something else you could have tried that just helped you make a shift, either emotionally or physically then why not just do it? Try everything, keep the things that resonate.
For now you are trying, and there is every chance you will be rewarded.
For someone who is actively doing everything in their power to conceive, there’s no way anyone in their right mind would put any money on them not announcing a pregnancy.
Go for it. Give it all you have got, and at times when you’re depleted, sit back and rest up a day or three.
Love yourself in this, that’s all you need to make it through.