So. What’s your fertility plan?
Don’t people always ask that? Don’t we always ask that of ourselves? We want to know what our fertility plan is, where we go from here. We want check points up ahead that are visible and reliable. The thing is, sometimes this works a treat and is exactly what we need. Other times, this need for certainty and direction causes us to spiral into overwhelming panic.
The need to make the ‘right’ choice can be utterly paralysing.
We feel like the goal is to have a direction as soon as possible and commit to a way ahead. The thing is though that when you have been thrown a curved ball, are in between actions or being forced to make a decision on how to move forward or which path to choose we spiral into fear.
Fear causes us to question and doubt. It plagues you with insistence that the clock is ticking and every choice has a potential risk that could ruin you.
What we never allow for in our culture is the permission to not know yet. To be open to options. Every single one of them. Even the ones that were scaring us yesterday.
We need time to flit, ponder and feel our way through and often that can feel like being indecisive, procrastinating, stalling, WASTING TIME. However, when we come into a little stillness the pressure comes away and then we can really hear what our instincts are telling us (and this is ALWAYS the shortcut to the success we are craving).
It’s ok to be looking at adoption one minute then looking up IVF on the internet the next. It’s ok to feel really drawn to waiting a few months and then find yourself itching to get started again the next day.
None of this is wrong or unhelpful. We need permission to play with concepts until we can work our way through to the best place for us. If a lady is battling with a choice then this is what I say to her:
You have permission to make NO choice. You don’t have to even do any of this if you end up not being able to. That’s ok. That’s a choice, and if it turns out to be the best choice then it will begin to feel peaceful for you.
That sets the scene to allow her to properly look at the other available options.
Sometimes I will say to her:
Give yourself permission to play with this for the next fortnight. Then review again. In that fortnight your goal is to not yet know. Your goal is to let your mind be free. Let it explore the options and find everything it likes and doesn’t like about each. Let it find the details and almost pretend that is the way it is going to go. Pretend you have committed to that choice and see how it makes you feel for a few days. Then try the other choices in turn.
A lot of it will be jumbled but that’s ok.
The flitting place is a productive and helpful place.
You can end up on crazy wild goose chases if you let the ego take the wheel and start throwing you into actions you are not sure about yet. If action is making you feel frantic panicked or anxious then it is not the best way. It might be later, but right now in this moment you are looking for anything that brings relief so that you can think from instinct.
That soul instinct that will guide you to the best possible scenario for you. The one who never lets you down.
So it’s ok to not have a big, clear fertility plan, to not be sure. Not being sure how / when / what (even if it is simply not having a clue how you are going to possibly get yourself into the head space needed to do another IVF) is totally totally alright.
Tell yourself that not doing it at all is an option if you were to need it. When your body has that permission it will take a lot of the fear away automatically. Then you can really allow yourself to tune in and feel your way to the next best direction for you. I promise it will come. If your fear is big then try taking things really slow and go for things you feel you can manage. For example:
I feel so incredibly scared and overwhelmed today but I am giving myself permission to have time and space to let the best things I need to do come to me. Today it might be all I can do to just make sure I drink enough water, or take a few intentional breaths. I might only be able to go to work and come home to put on my pj’s. I might just need to do basic survival to soothe my protective self. Then I can begin to ask myself, what am I drawn to? Doing nothing or doing something? If it’s something then what is it? A healthy meal? A bit of research on an area I might be moving forward into?
What do I need most of all right now?
Sometimes the answer might surprise you but it will lead you perfectly to the next place. WIthout effort and without suffering.
Your instinct will always tell you. Yes or no. Drawn to it or not drawn to it? You can use it for everything, from the tiniest choices to the biggest decisions.
You will never be led astray. What your soul has planned for you never looks like a compromise.
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