It’s silly really….but then that’s just my shame talking.
I made a huge decision to allow myself to book a treatment session. Something beautiful, healing, sacred and special. Something that would nurture me as well as focus on my own personal ‘fertility’. I put it in inverted commas because to me, fertility is not just about your reproductive organs, it’s about your entire soul. How you feel within your feminine energy, yes it is also about how you may journey to meet your child but that is not the only focus. Fertility opens the heart up and clicks into everything we are, regardless of how we may be able to create our families and bring our children home to us.
A woman who has had to battle with her fertility in some way has been through a war with the very depths of her being. She has not simply had a medical issue with a system in her body.
So to me, booking a treatment was about looking after those depths. Knowing that I myself am healing old wounds and looking ahead to new paths. Feeling ready to do that was a huge deal for me. It is symbolic of finding courage, feeling healed ‘enough’ to make a next move.
I found exactly what I was looking for, the website drew me in. I loved her style and her words. I was willing to compromise on having to drive for two hours to a place I had never been because it felt exciting and light.
The weirdest thing happened.
I emailed with excitement and brightness in my words. I waited excitedly for her response, and loved the feelings I was having about the whole thing. The more days it took to hear back, the more some of that light in me kind of dimmed. After about a week I had a reply that felt generic and cold. It left me feeling robbed of that warmth I had generated, and instead I felt unsteady.
I swallowed down the disappointment which I saw as ‘silly’ . I dusted myself off and replied. The date I was offered in her initial email was over 10 weeks away, and apparently she would need to know where I was in my cycle to know whether we could book it or not.
I replied with the info she needed and asked if that would work.
Over three weeks later and still no response.
Just a silly thing huh?
But there it is. My fertility shaming me, telling me it’s not ok to have these feelings. The fact that I felt upset, and not important, and like it might not happen and most of all that I would not be safe. I would have to attend a session (if I ever had it confirmed!) feeling guarded and allow her to work on the most vulnerable and sacred part of me. It felt wrong, like when you are in stirrups and some doctor who has not yet made eye contact with you has shoved a cold speculum inside you, completely oblivious to the fact that at these fertility related appointments we take out heart head and uterus and have them brutally exposed for all to see.
I told myself I was being ridiculous and way over the top (fertility shame). That it was really no big deal (fertility shame). That the idea of emailing her to say that the whole thing was ‘making me feel anxious’ just made me feel like a fool (fertility shame).
In fact all these feelings and worries actually meant I needed to stop listening to the mean voice in my head telling me to man up, and listen to the other one instead. The one that said that I deserve to be cared for and looked after. That women who are doing anything with regard to their fertility are laying their hearts on the line. We don’t book things casually when it comes to fertility and we certainly don’t forget about it day to day. Fertility is sacred and special and it is so easy for us to feel shame that is hidden like this as well as the out in the open stuff.
On a daily basis women are putting on their spiritual armour and facing the situations, questions and feelings that leave them blinking back tears, or feeling ‘less than’. Women who carry babies in their hearts but have never held them in their arms. Women who have had their fertility cause inexplicable and devastating rifts in their self worth and their closest relationships.
The thing is, these cracks in our souls have not wounded us beyond repair yet have broken us open. Your heart may feel vulnerable at times because it feels exposed, but your maternal power is in fact growing and strengthening. Working in partnership with your heart to open you to possibilities you may have never thought you could be ready to embrace.
This huge magical mother energy actually births itself in many ways, and shame is one of the biggies.
When you feel sadness and shame it is really a clue that you need to give yourself permission and love and space to be just as you are. Then the crack that you made fills brightly with light and you shower compassion on yourself. That’s when the next doors tend to open for you.
I am ashamed that I felt so upset about a simple casual approach to set up an appointment. I was ashamed that I couldn’t be cooler about it, that I am not ‘cool’ about it. That in that moment I needed a little loving space held and a sense of a plan in place. It’s not about her, she can really run her business however she chooses and that’s all ok.
What it said to me is: you are feeling this because it was a raw spot. Raw spots need love and care. Honour what you need and don’t be ashamed to say what that is.
It’s ok for you to have what you need, take what you need and follow what is right for you.
You are on a journey, you are not alone, and you are loved.
All my love,
Lucy x x x