By Lucy Coffin on 11/8/2013

I felt compelled to write this after a few times it has come up with my clients. The situation is that many women who are now struggling to conceive have had a termination in the past and feel like they have now missed their chance.

I feel so incredibly passionate about this subject and how wrong we can be about fearing the worst that I was moved to share my thoughts and experiences with you on this very delicate subject.

There is both a medical and a spiritual aspect to this situation and I really feel like both warrant mentioning as both are of equal importance and relevance. Physically, there is around a 0.4% chance that an abortion will have caused a physical condition making future conception an issue. That condition is called Asherman’s Syndrome and it affects in total around 5% of the female population. So the stats for it are pretty low, and we can take that on board in a logical, rational sense.

But that isn’t enough is it? Knowing that isn’t always enough to make us feel like everything is ok and that things are going to fall into place in the future.

That wondering if this is some kind of karma or punishment, or that somehow the opportunity will not be presented again. Well ladies I tell you now, I will share with you that I have been there. I made the hardest decision of my entire life to terminate a pregnancy when I was 19 years old. It broke my heart, and screwed with my head for years. When I started trying to conceive in my late twenties it came up with a vengeance. I was plagued with fear that this would haunt me forever by being a constant reminder of what I had once and could never have again. I blamed myself, was ashamed of myself and deeply regretted my decision.

But then at the same time, I didn’t regret it either. That was the thing that most stopped me from getting over it. I felt stuck.

It’s one thing to really wish you hadn’t done something and spend energy thinking ‘if only I had done it differently’, but no matter how many times I went over it, I just knew that I couldn’t have done it any other way. I had no suitable place to live (I was working on a holiday camp and living on site) a low wage, and an alcoholic and at times quite aggressive partner that I was in the process of leaving. Not my recipe for a loving and secure home.

And so I had to set him free.

The day I sat in that clinic will sit in my memory box clear as day for the rest of my life, I have no doubt. But not because it haunts me, because it was a profound turning point for me.

Sitting behind the curtain in my gown with my hand on my tummy, I whispered to him. Telling him I was so sorry, that I was so indescribably sad, but that I couldn’t give him the home he deserved. I asked him if he would come back later, begged him to not be upset with me. Sobbing silently, choking back the tears of the grief I didn’t feel entitled to have.

I was only 10 weeks so I couldn’t have known what sex the baby was but to me I was certain he was a boy. I named him Thomas and I had to force myself with every bit of strength I had to walk that corridor to the operating theatre. I could barely see for tears and I felt such love for this baby that I was about to let go. Nothing about what I was doing made sense to my instincts.

For months my heart ached for him. I missed him, I missed the feeling, the idea, the presence. I kept telling myself I didn’t have a choice and that I did the most selfless thing I could do, as keeping him wouldn’t have been fair on him. Not the life I wanted desperately to give him.

And so years went by. I never forgot him, but I felt better about it. And then when it was time, when I had a loving husband, a secure home and the means to give him everything I wanted, I reached out for him.

He didn’t come.

It broke me.

I grieved all over again. At the time it was an unconscious knowledge that I had ruined my chance – on the surface I really felt I had dealt with it and was ok with it. It took my very first hypnosis session to get to the bottom of why I was so unreasonably anxious about having not yet conceived.

There is was clear as day. Luckily my higher self in its capacity was in residence that day and I was able to communicate with myself on all levels in a way that was compassionate and kind. I realised that whilst I couldn’t regret my decision, it was ok to regret that it had to happen at all. It was ok to feel sad and gutted and wish it had never come up. It was ok for me to feel that loss, an it was ok for me to forgive myself. Then I could understand why I felt so stuck, I had unleashed the flow of things.

I had to say it clearly.

I forgive you Lucy.

I know that you regret what happened. I also know that from that day on you have focused your life to go in a direction which would enable all that security to be available in the future.

I did do that. I did not take it lightly and I used the experience to show me what I truly wanted in my life. I wanted to be a mum, so I channelled my actions into things that would enable the situation to be right for that to happen.

The next thing I heard was Thomas. He forgave me too. He came into my life for that brief time to help me change direction, to make sure I put myself on the path my heart truly desired.

I actually think Thomas and I were never destined to physically meet, but that he just served a purpose for me to change my focus and direction to that of my highest good. In spiritual terms, babies actually rarely get angry or upset when manifestation doesn’t go all the way physically, they sometimes know that this is the role they will play for us at that time. They simply come back another time, or they find another way, but they really are ok with it.

If you have had an abortion and are now trying to conceive, think about the healing that you need to do, or have done. Think about what you learned, how you grew, what you changed. Know that everything you are is wonderful and beautiful. You are evolving, emerging and we are allowed to make mistakes. We are all allowed to learn in this way.

If you are having difficulty moving past your abortion then I urge you to not be scared to revisit it. Light candles, say your words, write letters, do what ever feels right for you. I actually lit a candle for each emotion I was feeling as well as what I wanted to send out.

Guilt, shame, blame, regret, anguish, peace, Thomas, forgiveness. I wrote everything I felt about each emotion, and then I pledged:

These candles will burn strong until they fade of their own accord. They will be recognised symbols of what they represent and the positivity inside them will light me up and fill me with tranquility and peace.

I then lit a candle to represent me and all I have learned, then one to represent any new potential soul who would like to come into my life.

It was a deep and full on day but it lifted something in me, that final root. I know that if I hadn’t gone through this process I would never have conceived my son Ruben. I know that I would have continued to stand in my own way and not allowed it to happen.

But I realise now there is no karmic police. There is nobody or nothing out there wanting us to be punished, nothing out there keeping some kind of score. In my opinion we are all here to explore, to grow, to learn and to have fun and happiness. It would serve nobody for you to remain unhappy and sad, no benefit could come to anyone of you not being able to create a happy healthy family.

The positive ripple effect of you feeling good and clear, means that children in your future will be loved and cherished and that you as a family will bring joy to all those around you.

So it makes sense that we get through this and triumph. It makes sense that we work towards light and happiness. It makes sense that we celebrate ourselves and have all that we have ever wanted.